100. Let me put my poems in you

Hey baby

You like poems?

I got poems.

I got short poems, long poems

Thin poems, fat poems

Good poems, bad poems

Funny poems, sad poems.

You find a better poem somewhere else…

You read it.

But I got 100 sitting right here for you baby

Treat yourself

Take all you need.

And if 100 is not enough and you need more,

Well baby, I got more.

But I’m a little tired right now.

Let me get you in the morning

99. What kind of fruit?

What kind of fruit you on fam?

See I been smashing oranges since day I’m convinced they’re the meanest

Clementines preferably

I’m made a fine art of taking off the skins to look like a penis

Mango is sick! Don’t get it twisted

I just can’t be dealing with the choir it is to peel it

But if you can make me an mango that peels like an orange

Then you my friend are a genius

98. Farms

I used to buy a bad of seed to feed the ducks the sheep and geese

Run out then go buy more

I only just realise how stupid I was

But as kids we’re all a bit stupid I’m sure.

I was paying the farmer money to feed his cattle

Now that’s not the way it should be

The shoes on the wrong foot here mate

You should be paying me

97. Zombie walk

Once a year people used to dress up as zombies and walk through town centre

Which was a great bit of fun

Until the time a few real zombies turned up

And shit got incredibly real.

The poor stupid ignorant spectators didn’t run or fight

They just stood there giggling as the zombies tore through their flesh like it were a bowl of custard.

Now the zombies walk everyday

But there’s much fewer twats on the street

96. The man who’s shrew was his horse and his horse was his shrew

His shrew was his horse and his horse was his shrew

It was nothing to do with their size

He rode his shrew to work each day

And kept his horse caged up cage inside.

I know what you’re thinking

You want me to dip in and answer the questions that’s ‘why’

There’s simply no reason, you’ve only to see him

To know he’s a fairly strange guy

95. I spammed you with silly titles

Thanks for that mate, cheers.

Tell me something I don’t know?

Next time? Yeah? Nice one

94. Mummy grist

My god of twitter who watches over me

I never know when you’re looking

I’m sorry if you see some inappropriate things.

Bless us this day as I’ve sworn so often and so casually

I’d marry your daughter

But she reminds me too much of your son

Amen